Archive for June, 2011

Ready for that Jelly

Sunday, June 19th, 2011

Tell me if this is weird: I’m really anxious to start showing already! I want to get all big in the middle – and (ironically) look like I have a ‘watermelon waistline.’

Right now, my abdomen is bigger, but so is everything else: Arms, legs, boobs (oh boy are my boobs bigger!). This means that my clothes don’t fit right (or at all), and that I don’t feel as good psychologically.

But, if I was very clearly pregnant, I think I would feel better. When I went out in the world I wouldn’t feel the urge to tell strangers that I was pregnant as an explanation for my girth – they would just know. And when I looked in the mirror, I wouldn’t have to tell myself that, either – it would be obvious.

I know that I’ll get more and more uncomfortable the bigger I get, and that I should appreciate this time – especially since it’s summer and the heat and humidity is already sapping my energy – but I’m anxious. At 19 weeks, I feel like it should be obvious that I’m pregnant, but again, I just look like I put on 20 pounds. Annoying.

So, women out there who have been pregnant, I ask you: Is this strange? Did you feel this way too? Some reassurance that I’m not a freak would be great!

I’m Pregnant

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

For the few of you readers out there who don’t actually know me in real life – or for anyone who may have slipped through the cracks – the secret’s out: I’m pregnant!

I’m nearly 19 weeks at this point, with a due date of November 13. My husband and I are very excited, but we’re also terrified, though we’re scared about different things. He’s worried about soft spots and diaper changes and not being able to do anything for the next 18 years – things after the impending baby enters the world. For at least the time being, I’m more concerned with getting through the pregnancy itself – and the whole giving birth bit, but even that isn’t at the forefront of my mind just yet.

I had a miscarriage last year. It sucked.

We moved on: We took some time to recover, tried again, and 6-ish months later, here we are. Obviously, that’s great – one thing we have going for us is that we seem to be reasonably fertile. My heart goes out to those who aren’t so lucky. There’s little sadder than couples who want children but can’t have them.

Given our loss last year, we were obviously a bit anxious at the start of this pregnancy. That was only compounded by a number of various complications in my first trimester. My doctors were equally concerned, so much so that I was told not to exercise.

No exercise?! A few years ago, I never would have imagined that being forbidden from exercising would bother me – hell, a few years ago, nothing would have changed since I didn’t exercise anyway.

But now? That was really tough. For weeks and weeks and weeks, all I could do was walk, and I didn’t even do that much. I had to quit boot camp. I had to take a hiatus from Kung Fu. I haven’t run in months.

I know, I know: It’s a small price to pay for a healthy baby, and nine months isn’t that long. That’s very true, but it doesn’t make it easier! I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up the same level of intensity while pregnant, but I wasn’t ready to be benched completely – especially so early on.

Other than the complications, the first trimester was pretty good – meaning I (thankfully) wasn’t a victim of morning sickness. However, I was tired and hungry. All. The. Time.

It was insane! If I wasn’t sleeping, I was eating. And I’m ashamed to admit that my food choices weren’t always the healthiest. When I ate at home, the problem was portion sizes – and ice cream. But I also ate out a lot. A lot.

So you can imagine my surprise (ahem) when at my last appointment, my doctor informed me that I’ve gained 24 pounds with this pregnancy. Already. That’s as much as I’m supposed to gain in all 40 weeks, and I did it in 18.

Holy. Shit.

Pardon my vulgarity, but seriously, what the hell?! I guess four months of eating as much as you want, sleeping all the time, and not exercising – oh and using your body as an incubator for the next Khan – will do that to a person.

Even though I knew the number on the scale wouldn’t be good, and that I wasn’t being healthy – for me or my baby – I was still shocked when I saw the number (202 – ouch). I was ashamed and embarrassed and angry.

And I cried. Right there in the doctor’s office. Thankfully it was after the nurse left and before the doctor came in, but I think I threw my poor husband into a panic. That or he just thinks I’m a crazy, hormonal, pregnant woman.

The good thing about that emotional breakdown is that I’ve turned a new (old) leaf. Since my appointment on Friday morning, I’ve been a lot better, both with my eating and with exercise (which I’m allowed to do now, with the exception of running, lifting weights, sparring at Kung Fu and overly intense stuff in general – I’ll take it!).

What’s more is that I don’t want the bad stuff anymore – I swear! I threw out all the ice cream I had in the house and I haven’t missed it one bit. I’ve been eating less (but still plenty, don’t worry!), and I don’t feel hungry. I’ve gone out of my way to work exercise into my day – even walking, which I find extremely difficult to do on my own, since I’m always dying to break into a run.

I guess sometimes we need to hit ‘rock bottom’ in order to be motivated to make a positive change in our lives. Whether that’s a change with your health, a relationship that’s run its course, a job that’s no longer a good fit, or something else holding you back.

I’m just glad my rock bottom came after only 24 pounds or I’d probably gain 100 by the time this baby is born!